


In Case It's Not Clear

by Bam4Me



Series: Don't Remind Me, What Was It That I Said [3]
Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Disability, Dooku is actually not fallen lol, Fallen but not Sith Qui-Gon, For Obi/Bruck, Gen, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt/Comfort, Jedi Master Dooku, Obi-Wan Needs a Hug, Past Rape/Non-con, Physical Disability, Pre Non-Sexual Age Play, Pre-Slash, Rape Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Thumb-sucking, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-07 06:27:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16403045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bam4Me/pseuds/Bam4Me
Summary: Before now, Obi-Wan had wished he could get some memories back from the time him and Qui-Gon were apart... now he's wishing he could forget again.





	In Case It's Not Clear

**Author's Note:**

> padawansuggest.tumblr.com
> 
> Yes, that tag is right, Obi/Bruck is a thing in this series. I've had it planned since the beginning. It's entirely innocent rn, just two kids trying to find stability in their messed up world.

After getting those memories back, Obi-Wan couldn’t keep them out of his head.

 

Dooku and Qui-Gon were so  _ insistent _ that none of it was Obi-Wan’s fault. But then… Master Qui-Gon wouldn’t stop blaming himself either.

 

And well… Obi-Wan didn’t know how to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault, because the basic truth of the matter was, if Qui-Gon had never left the order, Obi-Wan wouldn’t have been given a new master.

 

Of course, if Qui-Gon had assurance from the council that they would  _ help _ him instead of harm him when he fell, he might not have left. If Tahl and Micah were still alive, he might not have fallen. If Knight Herics had been a  _ good person _ instead of a child molester, Obi-Wan wouldn’t have tried to be knighted early, and he would still be at the temple completing classes and working his way to knighthood-

 

It all swirled into a big mess of mud in his head. He fact of the matter is; Qui-Gon left the order, Obi-Wan was reassigned, both of them regret this, Obi-Wan doesn’t remember how much it hurt to  _ lose _ him, and the council should have kept a closer eye on an emotionally unstable teenager who had just been reassigned.

 

It wasn’t any  _ one _ person’s fault. It takes two people to start a fight, and apparently, it takes more to make a mess. That’s what this whole situation was; a mess.

 

But of all the things that hurt, Obi-Wan couldn’t get the memories out of his head. Two years, and all he could remember was… well, he’s not exactly  _ innocent _ anymore. Herics took that from him. Everything was either an unwanted touch, or depression.

 

That’s not normal. He’s never had depression issues before. The healers said he had anxiety, but he wasn’t prone to depression. They must have been wrong, because after Qui-Gon left, it was like he took Obi-Wan’s smile with him.

 

“He did that to you, he put that in you. That deep sense of loss, that painful hole in your chest.”

 

Obi-Wan looked away from Dooku with a frown. “I didn’t know you could use the force to  _ give _ someone depression.”

 

Yan sighed. They were sitting in the library now. Obi-Wan didn’t want to talk to Qui-Gon about this. It hurt him too much, it felt too deep, it felt like he was  _ blaming _ him for what happened by talking to him about it. And he knew, that even if he wasn’t blaming Qui-Gon for this all, Qui-Gon would still take it that way. He would still blame himself.

 

Yan was impartial enough, completely devoid of any possible blame in the situation itself. And he was a caring grandmaster who wanted to help. This is the third day after their call with the council. They were likely already sending healers to check on him, but they weren’t here yet.

 

He’s been dreaming of Herics at night.

 

“You can’t, but you can use a bond to stimulate a depressive state within someone. In this case, he made you stop wanting to be around anyone but him. At first, you just thought you were clinging to a new master, and then, after he started touching you, his goal was to get you to associate sex with happiness. That you could only be happy while he was touching you.”

 

Obi-Wan hated himself deeply. It wasn’t just happiness, it felt physically  _ painful _ when Herics wasn’t touching him. It burned him. “I asked him to do it, sometimes. Not always. But… it was the only time I felt normal. I don’t know if I ever actually planned on being a knight after Qui-Gon left… I wanted to  _ die _ after he started messing with my head. Even if he was the only thing that made me feel good, I couldn’t handle how much shame it gave me.”

 

He didn’t feel the same now. It made his stomach twist to remember how he’d go into Herics’s room on the nights when he couldn’t  _ wait _ for Herics to come to him first. Remembering it now… it was like he was drugged. He had no control over any emotions, all he wanted was to make things  _ end _ , to find relief to that burning pain,  and when he’d started to realize that he felt better when  _ that _ was happening… it was a quick decline into self hatred and further depression.

 

“You think you pushed for your own knighting so you could… find a dangerous planet to die on?”

 

Obi-Wan shrugged. “I wanted to die. Why else would I have been on Tegai in the first place?”

 

Yan shook his head firmly. “No, Obi-Wan, you were on Tegai because Herics changed your mission reports. He was trying to get you killed. That wasn’t a suicide attempt.”

 

Obi-Wan looked away from the master, staring at a bookshelf with glazed over eyes, voice quiet when he finally spoke. “How do you know it wasn’t one-in-the-same at that point?”

 

***

 

_ Obi-Wan felt terrible, he was starting to come down with a migraine by the time Knight Herics came home that day, laying in his master’s bed in the desperate hope that it would stop the blinding pain. _

 

_ He let out a painful whimper when the knight turned on the light’s in the room, and there was a small muttered, “kriff,” before they turned back off, putting the room back in darkness. He was curled up in a tiny little ball on top of the covers. He was cold and wished he was under them, but he’s in too much pain to move right now, and it’s a waste anyways. _

 

_ What right does he have to comfort? What  _ use _ is it to even try anyways? _

 

_ He had the thumb of his left hand in his mouth, sucking intermittently in between waves of crashing pain in his head, just trying to breathe through it. It made him so dizzy he might pass out.  _

 

_ “What’s this now? Poor boy, you must be feeling icky bad, huh?” The words were childish, and Obi-Wan’s shame dug deeper. If his head didn’t hurt so much, he might have started to cry. A hand was put on his head and he let out a moan of pain, before the crashing waves started to recede, and he could have wept for the lessening pain, but he was still too sore to really move. _

 

_ “What have I told you before, padawan? When you don’t feel well, you need to tell Master so I can make it all better. If I knew my sweet boy was aching so much I would have come back right away to take care of you.” _

 

_ The words were so kind, and they tasted bitter and hateful in Obi-Wan’s mouth. Master Qui-Gon never would have needed to be  _ told _ that Obi-Wan wasn’t feeling well, he would just know. Obi-Wan just closed his eyes and leaned into the nice touch on his head, feeling less sick now. _

 

_ There was a hand on the back of Obi-Wan’s, gently pulling Obi-Wan’s thumb out of his mouth with a tutting noise. “Youngling, you know you’re far too big to be sucking on your thumb, such a childish habit, but don’t you worry, if you need something so bad, Master has something you could suck on instead-” _

 

Obi-Wan jerked awake with a painful gasp, letting out a pained little whimper in the back of his throat, as if expecting something bad, but nothing came.

 

He wasn’t in a bed with Knight Herics, he was outside. There was thick grass under his body, a pale blue colour, and it was warm.  There was no sunlight today, too much cloud coverage at the moment, and Serenno was a naturally mild temperate planet, but it was utterly warm out right now. It took him far too long to realize it was the heat lamps that kept the garden area warm. Qui-Gon said they couldn’t have such a nice garden here without growth lights.

 

He uncurled from the tight little ball he’d managed to wedge himself into, gently manipulating his right leg from slightly curled back to flat, before attempting to sit up. He felt a little bit sick, but it was mostly mental.

 

Bruck was sitting a few feet away from him, hiding his face in his knees. “Sorry.”

 

Bruck was around more often, since he seemed to like Qui-Gon well enough, and Obi-Wan was slowly realizing just how much the boy had changed from the angry child he was back in the crèche. 

 

Bruck lifted his head from his knees, and stopped the nervous rocking movement he’d managed to get himself into. His eyes were red rimmed, like he couldn’t stop scrubbing at them, and he looked utterly  _ stricken _ . “No,  _ I’m _ sorry. He did terrible things to you.”

 

Obi-Wan looked down at the grass next to his right hand. It had been such a nice morning when he’d fallen asleep in the garden after his talk with Dooku that morning. He guessed, he must have had a bit on his mind today.

 

He’s still having issues with projecting his thoughts. You couldn’t share a dream with someone unless you had a bond with them, but thoughts filtered through, thoughts and feelings.

 

Enough to put together a  _ very _ ugly picture.

 

Before he could think of a reply, he saw Qui-Gon making his way out of the greenhouse across the courtyard, an equally upset look on his face as he moved. Obi-Wan really hoped he hadn’t projected that dream to anyone  _ else _ in Dooku’s palace, but he was starting to feel less and less hopeful about it. 

 

Qui-Gon knelt down next to him on the soft grass where he had left the two of them so he could garden in the greenhouse. He said he was still working on a cosy spot for Obi-Wan to stay in the greenhouse, but for now, while he still had the hoverchair, it was easiest for him to stay outside.

 

Qui-Gon never actually  _ left _ him outside unless someone was watching him though. He didn’t like leaving Obi-Wan alone.

 

He may be a  _ little _ overprotective, but Obi-Wan felt comfortable for the first time in years -possibly his whole life,- so he wouldn’t complain about it. He just wished those terrible dreams were part of the memories he’d lost.

 

Qui-Gon reached out so he could pull Obi-Wan’s head in, pressing a kiss to his soft hair, reaching over to pat Bruck on the head as well. “How are you two little storm clouds doing?”

 

Bruck leaned up into the pat, and if Obi-Wan had use of both legs, he would have tried to climb into his lap. That need for physical contact when upset… that might be a conditioned response from his time before, but Obi-Wan couldn’t help it. He just wanted to bask in his master’s presence.

 

“Better now.”

 

Bruck nodded too, looking a lot more pleased. Sometimes it was just easier to admit that you need help. Jedi weren’t often used to that sort of thing. Normally, they were the ones  _ giving _ help to those that need it, but now that he wasn’t one, it was getting easier to ask for help, instead of being expected to find the answer on his own.

 

Obi-Wan was just drifting, and had no idea how to do any of this on his own. Without Qui-Gon and Dooku’s help, he’s sure he’d be completely  _ lost _ without them.

 

Qui-Gon smiled at the two of them. “Alright, Bruck, do you want to go get the basket just past the greenhouse door for me? Lots of nice fresh produce, it’s about time for lunch now.”

 

Bruck nodded, running off to get the basket while Qui-Gon swept Obi-Wan up off the grass and into his arms, setting him down on the hoverchair before flipping the switch to turn it back on. Obi-Wan could have gotten on himself, but Qui-Gon knew how much Obi-Wan would heal if he could start dissociating reassuring touch from sex. 

 

Obi-Wan sighed into the hold around him, almost asking the master to just  _ keep _ holding him, before he decided against it. No need to get  _ clingy _ .

 

“Come on, in we go, time for lunch.”

 

Obi-Wan nodded, going quiet as he followed the man.

 

***

 

Obi-Wan didn’t want to sleep. He had put up minimal fuss when Qui-Gon had gotten him ready for bed that night, but he was considering getting up again, roaming the large estate in his hoverchair with his nice soft blanket until he got too worn out to keep going.

 

The only issue is, it’s hard to wear yourself out when you can’t move.

 

He could try force tuning exercises… but he’s already been scolded for that once, because, according to Qui-Gon, that’s not proper and will wear him out in a  _ bad _ way. He didn’t explain it all that well, something about it giving Obi-Wan a headache if he tried too hard, not actually wearing him out, just making him hurt.

 

Obi-Wan doesn’t get it. When you’re hurt, it’s easy to sleep. Well, it’s easy to lay down at any rate. Qui-Gon had just hugged him again when he said that. He had laid by Obi-Wan until Obi-Wan was half asleep, before leaving again.

 

Obi-Wan had dozed for a couple hours, but he was awake again. Sleep wasn’t easy.

 

The door opened with silent hinges, and Obi-Wan zeroed in on the figure coming through with nearly silent footfalls, an eyebrow raised. It was Bruck.

 

Bruck was a lot different than when they were kids. He seemed to have hit more growth spurts than Obi-Wan had so far, and was nearly the size of a refractory unit at this point. Well, Obi-Wan was probably exaggerating, since had a slightly skewed sense of size now that he was sitting constantly, but Bruck was probably just gonna keep getting bigger.

 

Obi-Wan had a few hindrances that were likely to keep him small now. It’s harder to grow when you’re perpetually underweight and lose use of a limb. He used to be constantly hungry, but now it’s hard to trust his body’s needs.

 

He turned enough that he could see the blonde stop at the edge of the bed on the other side. Bruck was on his left side, the good side, but Obi-Wan was a full bed away from him. Bruck climbed into the bed next to him and laid down, looking up at the ceiling.

 

“What are you doing?” It wasn’t accusing, it wasn’t even upset, but Obi-Wan was genuinely curious about what the other teen was up to.

 

Bruck shrugged. “I think you’ll sleep better if someone is in bed with you.”

 

Obi-Wan considered that while he wriggled, scooting over until he was close enough to touch the other teen. “Remember when we would have killed each other if the masters left us alone too long?”

 

Bruck snorted, nudging an arm underneath Obi-Wan’s head so he could curl up into him, moving over those last few inches so they were pressed together. “It’s mostly because I had such a bad crush on you. I didn’t know how to handle it.”

 

Obi-Wan was quiet for a long minute, before sitting up as well as he could to stare down at him. “You had a crush on me?”

 

Bruck shrugged, pulling him back down. “You used to puff your cheeks out when you got mad. It made me warm inside. I assume that’s a crush. Go to sleep.”

 

Obi-Wan laid back down with a little frown on his face. That… it put a lot of stuff in perspective.

 

“How come you call Xanatos Dad sometimes?”

 

Bruck pulled back so he could look at him -instead of the hair he’d been nuzzling into- before grinning. “They wouldn’t let him leave Telos with me without guardianship. I didn’t have parents, it was easier to adopt me. It’s easiest to tell people he’s my dad if they ask.”

 

Obi-Wan nuzzled into Bruck’s shoulder, blinking sleepily as he thought about that.

 

“Do you want Qui-Gon to adopt you?”

 

Obi-Wan shrugged. “Kind of an obvious conclusion, isn’t it? I’ve wanted him as my master since I was old enough to know what that meant.”

 

“Do you still want to be a Jedi?”

 

Obi-Wan was quiet for a long minute. “...what else is there? I mean… I guess, but I don’t want to go back there.”

 

Bruck nodded. “I don’t want to go back there either. Doesn’t mean you can’t want Qui-Gon as more than just a master, though.”

 

Obi-Wan would need to think about that one.

 

***

 

Obi-Wan didn’t dream about memories. He didn’t remember what he dreamt about when he’d woken up.

 

He could hear very quiet voices around him, and it took him a long moment to realize they were filtered through his foggy brain, they weren’t being spoken aloud, they were being projected. He couldn’t make out what they were, but he knew they were there. It was Bruck and Master. They were talking with each other.

 

Obi-Wan nuzzled into the shoulder he was laying on, before realizing all at once, that his thumb was in his mouth. He grimaced, but didn’t try to hide it, just pulling it out instead. They had both obviously seen it anyways. He didn’t want to move because he’d managed to get himself on his left side in the night, and his right leg was a heavy weight against the other, but he allowed himself a moment to just bask in the feeling of having a fuzzy head and no real thoughts in his mind right now.

 

“Sleep well, little one?”

 

It took some finangling to get into a sitting position, Qui-Gon helping him when his leg just tangled up and made him glare at it. Bruck sat up as well, now that he was no longer being used as a pillow. Obi-Wan just nodded. “Much better, yes.”

 

Qui-Gon looked pleased, but a little sad. Obi-Wan didn’t know why though. “Alright, well how about a sonic before we get ready this morning?”

 

Obi-Wan barely thought about it before he replied. “I kinda want a bath.”

 

Qui-Gon gave a look of surprise and then honest pleasure at the idea of it. “Alright, that’s even better, a bath it is.”

 

Later, Obi-Wan was nearly purring in complete satisfaction as Qui-Gon washed his hair for him. He hadn’t wanted to bathe alone, and his master was happy to help. He felt raw inside, like something sliced him open, and he’s only just starting to heal from it.

 

One guess what  _ that _ was caused by. But after a full night’s sleep, he was finally able to see what he obviously hadn’t before. That he was  _ no longer _ in the temple. No longer in danger. He was going to be okay.

 

“Well, aren’t you just pleased as anything.” Obi-Wan leaned into the hands gently massaging his head, humming at the nice feeling of it.

 

“It’ much better now, Master.”

 

Qui-Gon just sent him more love, drowning him in it until he couldn’t feel anything else. “That’s good, little one.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> padawansuggest.tumblr.com
> 
> In case it's not clear; Herics fucked with Obi-Wan's head to the point where he was in physical pain whenever they weren't touching. Obi-Wan equated him with relief, and it became easy for Heric's to convince him to have sex with him. That doesn't make it any less wrong, coerced rape is still rape. If Obi-Wan had been in his right mind he would never have done it. But pain can make you do shitty things. 
> 
> Yes, this will have a second chapter. Don't ask me when I'm updating that really upsets me.


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